If there’s one thing that irks me more than watching a bad movie, it’s how annoying
some most of the people who come to watch a movie are.
After many disgruntling experiences, I’ve come to the conclusion that almost all these obnoxious miscreants have one thing in common: a lack of concern for others.
They don’t care about the effects their actions have on people around them. For them, they and their group are the only ones who ought to have “fun”; the others can just bugger off. No matter what their social and economic status in the society is, they lack basic movie theater etiquette.
From their perspective, the general rules don’t apply to them. Obviously, since they are the center of attraction of their puny disgusting world.
While I could categorize them all under one group (i.e. assholes), I’d like to expand on their classification a bit further.
1. The Talkative Monsters
Is it really necessary to talk during a movie? Let the story talk for itself.
A quiet whisper here and there is fine (unless it’s done throughout the film’s runtime), but talking in a normal conversational voice, ignorant about the audience around, is abuse of freedom of speech.
The gossip group is even more troublesome.
If you have any questions or you want to discuss the plot, reserve it for later. Unlike your home, a movie theater is a shared space. Everyone in the audience deserves to have the best movie theater experience possible. Don’t ruin that for them.
2. The Know-It-All Egoists
The know-it-alls are worse than the talkative kind. Not only are they loud and prickly, they’re too proud about it too. I used to be one of them, and sometimes still am (and I am ashamed of that). Here’s the memo: people come to watch a movie for entertainment; everything else is secondary.
It’s OK to answer your friend’s questions (again, strictly in a hushed tone); this is acceptable as long as it is not continuous.
However, if you’re commentating about every aspect of the movie, announcing your story predictions every few minutes, showing off how cool you are with your
impressive substandard knowledge, then something definitely went wrong with your upbringing.
I also think they’re narcissists.
If you find extolling your own views loudly and pompously gratifying, you’ve got more serious issues at hand than just disturbing the audience.
3. The Late Comers
Usually, coming late only annoys the person or group waiting for you. But in the case of a movie theater, it does turn off the audience. Not only do you miss the start of the film, you’re also left in the dark to find your seat. I don’t have to expand much on this. Almost everyone has experienced this situation.
4. The Irresponsible Parents
Seriously parents, take care of your little scumbags. Don’t let them roam around the theater like wild rats. It’s not a playground. Put a stop to their loud rants too. Teach your kids basic manners before bringing them to a public place. If they still cannot be controlled, don’t drag them to a movie theater. They’re not enjoying it anyway.
I don’t understand why parents bring along infants though. Do they expect everyone else to just put up with their little monsters? Apart from their torturous wailing and uwwaaing, bringing infants to a movie theater is also a health risk.
When I’d gone to watch Avatar, the parents (I assume) sitting in front of me had brought their 2-year-old along. For the first few moments, he was as quite as a whisper. As soon as the loud music started, he couldn’t take it anymore. He started crying loudly. It was too much for him to handle. I could empathize with how he was feeling. He’s too unlucky to have such ignorant parents.
Also, please don’t bring your kids to an adult-themed movie. I’ve seen many parents bring their kids to watch a movie filled with gore and violence; though, they don’t like kids to watch nudity for some reason. There are many movies made specifically for kids (some of which also appeal to adults). Take your kids to watch such movies. That’s good parenting.
5. The Smartphone Junkies
Smartphones are great. They can help you be in touch with your friends and family, no matter where they are. They can save you in an emergency. They can help you quell your boredom while you’re taking a dump (some even use it to take selfies while doing it). They can even be used to book tickets or order food in a jiffy.
Sadly, they’ve also become the biggest menace in a movie theater. They’re such a huge problem that every film screening starts with a message pleading the audience to switch off their mobile phone (or at least put it in silent mode).
More than half the idiots sitting in a theater won’t follow this public service announcement.
I paid to watch the movie, dammit; not to hear Kajra re or Sheila ki Jawaani on your phone. The standard iPhone ringtone is even worse, because rich elitist pricks will almost always pick the phone and start talking too, oblivious to the people surrounding them.
If you have forgot to put your mobile phone in silent mode, and it rings, just cut/silence the call. And then put your phone in silent mode ASAP. Don’t wait to take a decision; or worse, go ahead and answer the call. The call can wait.
Also, don’t text during a movie. There’s a reason why the lights in a movie theater are switched off. You shouldn’t ruin that dark setting by diverting everyone’s attention towards your phone’s bright display.
You’ve paid for the ticket to watch the movie, and so has everyone else. Either enjoy the movie with others, or just go out, do your thing, and slip back in as silently as possible.
Don’t be a horrible person; that’s all.
6. The Emotional Wrecks
There’s a reason I don’t prefer watching romantic movies or rom-coms at a movie theater, even though I sort of find them entertaining. There’s too much drama involved, both on and off the screen.
People laugh at unfunny scenes or dialogues for no reason. Now, I get it if there’s a special reference that only you understood, and it made you burst out laughing. But if the obnoxious laughter repeats very often, then there’s something wrong with you (or the movie’s scriptwriter is your soul mate).
Sometimes, even the whole audience disappoints you. And you’re left wondering if there there’s anything wrong with you.
Then there’s the opposite kind. You’re watching a movie on a serious topic (a drama or a tear-jerker), and there are people in the audience who’re laughing mockingly at every scene. It gets very annoying pretty soon.
7. The Hedonist Gluttons
Home media systems (enabled by VCRs, CDs, DVDs, Blu-rays, and now the Internet) have eaten into the movie theater profit margin. Going to a movie theater is only reserved for special occasions now. With dwindling audience interest, the movie theaters had to do something to maintain their profitability.
Everyone knows that the substandard food and drinks served at a movie theater are overpriced beyond imagination. The theaters make sure that everyone who decides to watch a movie, and is hungry/thirsty, HAS to buy from them. Where else can you get popcorn once you’re inside the building? At some theaters, they don’t even provide water.
You can’t go out, and if you do, either you can’t come back at all, or you can’t come in with food or drinks.
In the earlier days (I’ve confirmed it with my parents and others), the movie theaters did allow you to bring your own food and drinks. Now they don’t, and for a good reason: to protect their bottomline.
So, as you can see, the ones who decide to munch and slurp at a movie theater are too stupid, too rich, too hungry/thirsty, or a combination of all the above. Mostly, it’s a combination of the first two.
Suppose you’re watching an intense movie. The music is building up, and it’s the climax scene. You’re on the edge of your seat. And then you hear slurrrrp and kramkrum sounds from your back. It breaks your immersion. The moment is ruined.
If you’ve still decided to crunch popcorn and slurp soda, do it without disturbing others around you. Or better, don’t do it at all.
8. The Snoring Dolts
We’ve all been to a movie that lulls you to sleep. Whether the story is slow/boring, or you’re too tired, sleep comes naturally.
Moreover, a movie theater is the perfect place to sleep if you don’t mind the sound and the dim light emanating from the screen.
I’ve slept on many occasions while watching a movie inside a theater. Usually, it’s a 10-minute nap to refresh my brain. If the movie is still not piquing my interest, I go back to sleep once again (despite trying very hard not to sleep).
There’s nothing wrong with sleeping inside a theater as long as you don’t snore. Apart from disturbing others, you’ll also get repulsive looks from some of them.
9. The Irritating Lovebirds
Watching a movie at a theater is a popular dating option. Most people who go to watch movies just want to spend time with their friends/family/partner/date. The movie is just a bonus. If the movie is great, it’s a double bonus. There’s nothing wrong with that.
However, most often than not, you come across partners who’re constantly babbling with each other. They’re more irritating than The Talkative Monsters. I have no issues with PDA, but please keep it to a minimum while the movie is still on. You can grind on your partner’s lap later (this was a real experience).
There are other annoying kinds like The Armrest Warriors and The Chair Kickers, but I’ll stop my tirade here.
If I’ve stopped at least one person from disturbing someone in a movie theater, I would consider this
article lengthy rant a success.